I have grown my hair out considerably from the time my Twitter picture was taken (to see what I look like now, check out the “About Me” page on this web site). And as my hair has gotten longer, there has been a steady increase in hair-pulling in our relationship.

Actually, I shouldn’t really call it “hair pulling.” It’s not as if my Master just comes up out of nowhere and yanks on my hair out of sadistic glee. Rather, he controls me by my hair, and this deeply arouses both of us.

This is somewhat surprising. I’ve always had a sensitive scalp. I used to cry and cry when my mom would comb the tangles out of my hair after a bath, and I haven’t really outgrown that sensitivity the way a lot of people do. One of the reasons I’ve had short hair repeatedly is that I hate the feeling of combing out tangles or blow-drying my hair when it wants to tangle.

However, when Master grabs me by the hair, it’s a whole different experience. It’s not that it isn’t painful — it often is — it’s just that it calls to something primal in me.

Have men controlled women by the hair for centuries? Is this why it makes me want to submit like a kitten grabbed by the scruff of the neck? I don’t know. But the instant he takes hold of my hair and begins to move my head in any direction, I feel deeply submissive.

We have recently adopted a Gorean leading position in which he motions with his right hand and I bend over, placing my head in range for him to grab my hair. He then leads me wherever he wants.

There is something delightfully humiliating about trying to keep up with him, wincing in pain as we go from room to room. And when we reach our destination and he throws me down on the bed, couch, or floor, I feel thoroughly conquered.

We have also begun using hair-control as a signal that rough oral sex is about to start. If he grabs my hair and says, “on your knees,” I know a serious throat-fucking will ensue. In contrast, if he merely snaps his fingers and does not grab me by the hair, I know the oral sex required of me by protocol will be of a more controlled, gentle variety.

Sometimes, lately, my hair gets in the way during sex. For example, he will put his elbows down on it when he isn’t pulling it intentionally.

These incidents can be quite painful for me, and in my frustration I sometimes think that perhaps I ought to just hack all my hair off again.

But I don’t think he would let me. Every time he grabs me by it intentionally, we’re both glad it’s there.

Several times since I’ve begun posting and tweeting about my submissive lifestyle, I’ve received messages from men wanting to know where they can find a woman like me, or expressing that after reading my words, they will now be looking for a submissive woman.

Typically, I’ve directed these men to sites like CollarMe.com and Bondage.com, where they can search for the submissive woman of their dreams. But more than once, I’ve thought that I’ve been remiss in not stating that (if the relationship is to last for any length of time) there’s a lot more to being a Dom than just finding a submissive woman and…well…dominating her.

So, I thought I’d do a little writing on what I think are some characteristics of a good Dom — some solid traits that, if exhibited, are likely to lead to a successful, long-lasting relationship. After spending some time pondering the issue, I’ve come up with three “A’s” that I think make a good Dom. First, a successful Dom is altruistic. Second, he is attentive. And third, he is authentic.

He is Altruistic

For those readers who don’t know what altruism is, it is the placement of the good of the many above the good of the self. It is often used in descriptions of heroes and others who have sacrificed for the welfare of others.

At first, this idea seems to run counterintuitive to the Master/slave, or Dom/sub relationship. The relationship is about the Dom’s needs, right? Well, it is, but the important thing to understand is that the Dom’s needs aren’t, and can’t be, all the relationship is about, if it is to survive.

The Dom is in charge of the relationship. I think this is the most important point to keep in mind. The Dom has to make decisions that will keep the relationship itself healthy, positive and enjoyable for both partners. Why? Well, even though most subs are very self-sacrificing by nature, there is a point at which subs cannot function — when they no longer want to serve a particular person or be in a particular relationship because — yes — their needs are not being met.

Subs have needs. It’s just a basic fact. Every human being has needs, and those needs go beyond the basic needs for food and shelter. Human beings have a need for attention; for interaction. And subs, no matter what anyone likes to think, are no exception.

Also, the sub’s needs go beyond just the need to please and serve the Dom. At first, it may seem as simple as that, but anyone who has been in a real D/s relationship will tell you it is not. Subs are self-sacrificing, often to a fault, but they are not completely selfless. I don’t think any sub wants to serve in a relationship where they are consistently taken advantage of and ignored.

There are plenty of marriages out there in which vanilla women are taken advantage of and ignored. And I’m afraid some of the kinds of men who take advantage of women might think they can just find a submissive woman and all their problems will automatically be solved. But this isn’t the case.

A relationship involves two people, and for it to be successful, both parties have to be happy. So, for the Dom, who is in charge of keeping the relationship healthy, the goal is to keep both parties healthy and happy.

Now, this, unfortunately, isn’t quite as simple as it sounds. Why? Because a submissive woman is a lot different psychologically from a woman who is not submissive. A submissive woman really does need to serve and please her Dom in order to be happy. She does not want to be worshipped, or specifically catered to. The vast majority of the time, she wants to do whatever the Dom wants her to do, and then bask in his pleasure.

So, any Dom who tries to treat a sub with kid gloves, or who goes out of his way to please her, is not going to be a truly successful Dom.

What is the key to being successful at meeting both partners’ needs?

The Dom must place his wants and needs first at all times except when to do so will interfere with the overall welfare of the submissive or the relationship. And in order to do this, the Dom must use the tools of being attentive and authentic.

He is Attentive

I’ve talked a fair bit about the Dom’s job in a D/s relationship, but what is the submissive’s job? What is it up to the submissive to do in order to insure a successful relationship? Two things: follow orders, and communicate. That’s it. That’s all. Now, in following orders, the submissive has a big job, because she will often be working hard and sacrificing her own comfort to bring the Dominant all kinds of pleasure. So her load is not easier than the Dom’s, it is just simpler.

In her communication, she must be completely open. This is the area where she must be permitted the latitude to displease the Dominant. If she cannot tell the truth for fear of displeasing the Dominant, then the communication of the entire relationship breaks down. So, she needs to be able to voice her feelings honestly, with the understanding that the power, and the final say, still belong to the Dom.

What is the Dom’s job here? It is to listen to her, attentively. It is to pay attention to what she is communicating, so that he can ensure her overall welfare and therefore, the welfare of the relationship.

If the couple are engaging in S&M play, for example, the Dom must be very attentive to how the sub is doing. If she is bound, he should check her hands and feet periodically for circulation. He should monitor her responses and watch for altered states of consciousness, in which there can be great danger because she could stop being able to feel pain and no longer be able to provide feedback. If a Dom just goes on blindly whipping a sub, for example, and she has gone into an altered state of consciousness, he could injure her simply because he didn’t notice she was no longer responsive.

If the sub is upset, it is up to her to tell the Dom. It is then up to the Dom to decide what to do, but not until he has listened thoroughly, and attentively, to what the sub has to say. If there is a problem in their protocols or way of relating, they need to get to the bottom of it so it can be fixed.

This is definitely not to say that the Dom should cater to the sub. The sub is not in charge of the relationship. But the Dom should take the sub’s feelings into account when making decisions.

Finally, it is worth saying that the Dom must continue to be attentive to the sub even when the sub is gagged or under speech restrictions, and can no longer verbally communicate. Speech restrictions can be a welcome break for both parties, and can cut down on unnecessary communication if it has become a problem in a scene or at other times. But just because a sub can’t speak does not mean she is to be ignored. Even if you are “ignoring” her as part of play, you still need to be aware at all times of where she is and how she is doing.

He is Authentic

Trust is the foundation upon which any relationship is built, but it is especially important in the D/s relationship. At times during scening, for example, the sub may literally be placing her life in the Dom’s hands. And outside of scening, she is placing decisions in the Dom’s hands. She is supposed to communicate and give her input, but all final decisions are his and in most D/s relationships, she is expected to abide by them. This is very difficult to do if she does not trust him implicitly.

So, first and foremost, when I talk about authenticity, I am talking about honesty. A Dom, upon first meeting a sub face-to-face or online, must be completely honest about his level of experience and what he is looking for. The last thing you want to have happen is to be caught in a lie; this can destroy all the trust in a relationship like a nuclear weapon can destroy a city, and just as fast. What is the best way never to get caught in a lie? Don’t lie. It’s as simple as that.

What else do I mean by being authentic? I mean letting the sub see your pleasure. Most subs live to please their Doms. From the simple words, “well done” to your moans of pleasure during a blow job, your expressions are like food, water, and air to the sub, and are essential to the thriving of your relationship. If the sub feels completely ignored, she will eventually wither. Some people might disagree with me, but I think it is a fact. No sub can live in a relationship perpetually, trying to please a Dom who never seems pleased.

Praise your sub openly, honestly, and often. This is usually all we want or need in return for our giving. We don’t expect you to reciprocate — in fact, if you do, it totally unbalances us. But we do hope you will appreciate us, authentically.

I could go on in much more depth and detail about all of the things that make a good Dom, but I think I’ve covered the essentials. If I’ve left anything out, I trust my readers will let me know in comments.

So, my male followers who now want a submissive female: they are out there, waiting to be found. But unless the relationship they find is with a good Dom, they will not stay in it for long.

Avoid heartache and disappointment: be altruistic, attentive, and authentic. The payoffs will be beyond your wildest dreams.

Loss of control.

That’s what bondage is all about, really. When a sub submits to bondage, he or she gives up all physical control of an encounter to the Dom. The sub is showing an enormous amount of trust — trust that the Dom will not truly harm them in their helplessness. Even if there is an agreed-upon safe word, the sub has no real guarantee that the Dom will heed it (although past experience and knowledge of the Dom’s character do, of course, come into play).

Despite the fact that I’ve been in a live-in Master/slave relationship for over two years now, I’ve only been truly helpless a couple of times. The tethers we have in the bedroom now are at each corner of the bed, connected to cuffs. But it’s been a long time since those tethers were drawn as tight as possible.

Right now, I can even scratch my nose if it itches. And this length of tether on my wrist cuffs also negates the true effectiveness of the bondage — I could remove the cuffs with my teeth, if I chose.

Spread-eagle, also, is not a good bondage position for sex. The angle of penetration is very shallow and there definitely can’t be any pounding. So, we’ve used spread-eagle (front and back) mostly for S&M play.

A few times we’ve cuffed my wrists to my ankles. Nice, and it has a lot of possibilities I think we have yet to explore, but unless we learn to do rope bondage or get some locking cuffs, it still lacks some lustre for me, because I could undo the ankle cuffs with my hands and then use my hands to undo the cuffs on each other. Therefore, I am not truly bound, except by my Master’s will.

Mental/psychological bondage, or, as it is called in John Norman’s Gor novels, “binding by the Master’s will,” is when the sub is ordered to hold a certain position, such as hands clasped behind the head, under the threat of punishment if the position is broken. I would say this type of bondage is by far the most common one my Master and I use, and I’d include a lot of our physical bondage in this category as well, because I can free myself from so many of our current bondage arrangements.

Mental bondage is not without its advantages. It is quick, and can be a powerful turn-on for me, because when I am in mental bondage, I know I am truly submitting. Even if my Master has not bound me physically, I know that to break position means physical punishment. So, in a way, I am bound in body as well as in spirit.

That said, there really is no substitute for true, physical bondage. The few times I’ve been truly helpless have been the fulfillment of a delicious dream for me.

I long to be bound in an unforgiving position and used hard, or taken to the edge of orgasm and back multiple times before finally being allowed to come. I long to be beaten in strict bondage. I long, really, to let go of all control in a way that mental bondage, no matter how exacting, just can’t allow.

Why have my Master and I not explored this avenue further? Well, for a number of reasons, first and foremost that unfortunately, I have been ill for a large portion of our time together. When I have been suffering in the highs, lows, and mixed states of Bipolar Disorder, we have often had to cut back on D/s activities.

When I have been well enough to participate in strict bondage, we just haven’t gotten around to trying it, for one reason or another. One thing that can happen is we start experimenting with a bondage position, and then Master gets excited and has to fuck me, and then we don’t get back to what we were doing.

We’ve talked about having some “experimental bondage” sessions, outside of sexual scenes, in which I may even be dressed in exercise clothing to try to make fucking me less appealing. But somehow we’ve never gotten around to having one of these sessions.

Personally, I think we need new equipment. I would love it if we had locking wrist and ankle cuffs, to begin with, and possibly even some padlocks to lock sets of cuffs together in a way I could not undo. We don’t have a spreader bar, and I think it would be nice to have one.

As I sit here writing this, it occurs to me that I need to make bondage and S&M equipment much more of a financial priority, because I long to use it so desperately. It is probably more important than pedicures or books — I can do my own toenails and go to the library. Hmm.

But as things stand now, my loss of control is managed from somewhere in my imagination, rather than somewhere in the physical world. It’s good, but I know it could be better.

I love spanking. Or, more specifically, I should say I love being spanked. I have never gotten the urge to spank someone else’s ass, and I probably never will. But when it comes to my own ass…

I was spanked for punishment as a child. I dreaded it, and I hated it. I don’t know if that has anything to do with my craving it now. During my childhood spankings, my parent (usually my father) would often be angry, but would tell me things like, “I’m doing this because I love you,” and “this hurts me more than it hurts you.”

So I’m sure somewhere in my developing brain I came to associate spanking with attention, and love.

But that’s not all it’s about for me now — not by a long shot. Even if there is a component of childhood conditioning in my need to be spanked, the majority of the need comes from a very adult place.

Whereas the spankings in my childhood were a no-choice deal, I do have a choice as an adult, technically. I can submit to the spanking, or use my safe word. And I have yet to use my safe word to avoid a spanking, even a hard one.

The spankings in my childhood were all the same — very hard hits to both buttocks at the same time, in rapid succession. Fortunately, my father kept the spankings mercifully short.

In my adulthood, however, every spanking is different — there is a seemingly endless variety of ways to be spanked, and I love experiencing each, in its own way.

First, there is the “loving spanking.” Spankings in this group tend not to be too hard…the smacks on the ass are just hard enough to sting, but no more. Sometimes I’ll receive one of these when I’m not feeling well enough to endure anything else, but Master still thinks I need to be spanked. These gentle hits let me know he loves me in a way that hugs cannot, oddly enough. That’s not to say I don’t like hugs. They have their place. But if I was forced to choose between a good cuddle and a good spanking, I would probably choose the spanking almost every time.

A step up from that is the “maintenance spanking.” I know a lot of people don’t believe in these. My Master and I do. We simply believe a day should not go by in which I am not spanked. So, if I haven’t done anything to merit a punishment spanking, then I will probably be given a maintenance spanking. These are a bit harder than a “loving spanking,” but they start at about the same intensity. The difference is that in the maintenance spanking, after I am “warmed up,” the intensity will increase to the point where it is definitely painful but not excruciating. It will take some effort to endure the last few hits. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.

When I think about it, in many ways I would much rather receive a nice, thorough maintenance spanking than a massage. They are both kind touches, to me, even though if the first is briefly perceived by my brain as pain.

The next level up is what I’ll call the “scene spanking.” This is when Master and I have set aside time for BDSM play, and he is spanking me as part of a play session — possibly as a prelude to sex or an interlude between sexual encounters. In these spankings, like the first two types, I am (usually) also warmed up, but the hits will eventually come much harder than in the maintenance spanking. Other hitting implements besides the hands may be introduced, and used to add a variety of sensations, all of which are painful, but are quickly replaced by a curious sensation of pleasure.

It is during a spanking/beating like this that a submissive is capable of flying. The painful hits come at measured intervals, between which the pain transmutes to pleasure. The hits can be delivered almost anywhere on the body that they will not cause injury.

Breaking into flight is a curious sensation. The pain has to become so intense that I’m almost ready to say, “I can’t take anymore,” but then somehow I do take more, and then somehow…wham! I’m thrust into a different universe, one in which there is no more pain, only pleasure at every hit. This entire state and its aftermath are such an intense, enjoyable experience that I would be hard pressed to say which is better: flying or sex and orgasm. They both leave me satisfied and spent.

The last type of spanking we do is the punishment spanking, and it is, for obvious reasons, my least favourite. In this, the hits can come brutally hard, can be with a hand or a hitting implement, and are delivered with no warm-up. Furthermore, they are often delivered at quick intervals so there is no time for pleasure to develop from pain before the next sensation of pain is felt.

Punishment spankings have left me near tears, begging for mercy, but in my opinion, this is as it should be. Punishment is supposed to be a deterrent, and a teacher. I behave much better when I know such a powerfully unpleasant consequence can befall me. And I learn the extent of Master’s displeasure as well as the extent of his love for me.

Some of the worst punishments I’ve gotten have been for not taking good care of myself. For those of you who don’t know, I have Bipolar Disorder, and there are a number of things I am supposed to do to keep from worsening my symptoms.

One of these things is not to make any medication changes without communicating with my Doctor and my Master. Not too long ago I made a change on my own, not communicating it to either one of them because I was afraid they wouldn’t want me to do it.

I paid the price for that, and in my opinion, I should have. I received an extremely unpleasant punishment spanking from Master that almost left me bawling. He says next time (if there is a next time) he will leave me bawling, and I believe him. So, it is a powerful motivator to make smarter decisions and not do reckless things like changing my meds without telling anyone.

Believe it or not, just forgetting to take my morning or evening meds is a punishable offense. Why? Because Master cares about me, and he knows the threat of punishment is just one more thing that will keep me taking my meds at regular intervals. Through his help I take far better care of myself than I would on my own.

However, I didn’t intend this article to be a justification for corporal punishment (I’ve covered that ground in other articles — search to find them if you’re interested). I intended it to be a description of the variety of spankings my Master and I engage in. So, there is definitely more than one type of spanking — and within each of the four major types I’ve listed, there are endless variations.

If you do any reading of BDSM literature, fiction or nonfiction, you will probably encounter a concept that goes something like this:

Since the sub has a safe word, the Dom can’t do anything to the sub that the sub really doesn’t want. Therefore, it is the sub who sets the limits for a scene/encounter, and it is the sub who ultimately holds the power when the Dom and sub are relating.

On top of this, many authors also add the idea that the sub has power over the Dom’s pleasure, which makes the sub even more powerful.

Usually, this is couched in a tone that is meant to be reassuring.

But for someone as submissive as me, it’s just downright scary!

I don’t want to have the power! My entire life is engineered to keep me from having to have any power! As Anais Nin said in her famous quote:

“I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”

So, there would seem to be a contradiction. Why? because I do fully advocate the use of safe words in all situations. So despite my feelings, I really am handing all the power over to the sub, right?

Wrong!

First of all, the entire premise behind the theory of the sub having all the power is wrong. The faulty premise is that there is just one power, a single body of energy, that resides completely either with one partner or the other, and that whoever holds the ultimate power of veto must be the one who holds that power.

But in real life, at least in a relationship where the sub really wants to give up as much power as possible, the premise of one partner holding all the power simply isn’t true.

I can’t tell you how often I do things, at my Master’s command, that I don’t want to do, either not at a particular time, or not at all. I constantly subvert my will to his, and it is ultimately a joy to do this, even though it may not seem like it in every moment. I am only doing what I want to do to the extent that I want to live a life of submission. Beyond that, I am doing what he wants to do! And he has the power to make me do that!

Why does he have that power?

Because we have decided that’s how we want to live. And because even though I believe a safe word should always be available, I also believe it is truly that — a safe word — and should not be used simply because the sub doesn’t want to do something. Even if the sub really, really doesn’t want to do something. That is not what the safe word is for. It is there to protect the Dom from making any serious mistakes that could seriously injure the sub mentally, physically, or emotionally. And in that capacity, it is a power of communication much more than a power of control.

I know that some Dom/sub couples “negotiate” every scene before enacting it, going over everything the sub “will” and “will not” do. And if this kind of scening floats your boat, I won’t pass judgment on you. In addition, in your case, the sub really does hold a big chunk of the power.

But in a relationship like mine, a 24/7 Master/slave relationship, we have gone beyond role playing or engaging in a game. Domination and submission are not a game to us — they are the very fabric from which our relationship is constructed. And in order for us to have a real relationship, our Domination and submission have to be real.

So. I will continue to obey my Master when he tells me to drop to my knees and I’m right in the middle of something else that I’d really like to do. I’ll obey him when he orders me to go to sleep with my head on his stomach and his cock in my mouth, when I am feeling emotionally exhausted and would rather just sleep on my pillow, when he orders me to display my body for him in positions that make me feel insecure, and when he shoves his cock down my throat (something I’m proud I can take but actually dread doing). I could go on and on about the things I submit to, but I think you get the idea — he has a lot of power over me!

In addition, I will submit to whatever painful, embarrassing, or otherwise unpleasant punishments he devises for me when he deems it appropriate. Unless the punishment would cause lasting injury, I submit. He has that much power over me.

Day in and day out we live the dynamic of his Domination and my submission, his power and my lack thereof. Does the extremely rare possible use of a safe word put all the power in my hands?

I don’t think so.

Now that I’ve talked about underwear, and the debatable necessity of wearing it, I want to talk about another delightful topic: pubic hair. Well, actually, I want to talk about lack of pubic hair, because that is the choice Master and I have made for me.

On sites like LPSG, I have seen this issue debated over and over. Some people are turned on by hairless genitals. Some are repulsed. And everyone has an opinion on what everyone else should be doing.

Well, I’m not going to try to say I think everyone should shave or wax completely. However, I want to talk about what my reasons are (and what they are not), because I think it might be food for thought, for some folks at least.

The first thing I want to say, just to get it out of the way, is that I do not look like a pre-pubescent girl. My pussy is a woman’s pussy, and that is evident with or without hair. And I have never heard of a pre-pubescent girl who has a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.71, like I do. I have a woman’s curves, and a woman’s body.

So, imagine a curvy woman’s body with no pubic hair. What are the benefits? Well, there are lots.

The first and most obvious one is cleanliness. It is no secret that hair traps odours, and that some odours will not come out of hair no matter how well it is washed. So, if you remove all the hair, you remove the most significant source of pussy odour. And for those who like a bit of feminine musk, please don’t despair - that still appears some time after a shower, especially if the woman gets aroused. But it is a much more pure, clean aroma, unmixed with other less desirable smells.

One of Master’s great pleasures in life is to inspect me after I bathe each day. After bathing, before I put my clothes on, I have to come into the office (where he usually is), and sit back on the middle of the sofa, with my legs spread wide. I say, “Your slave is clean. I trust this pleases you, Sir.” He then proceeds to inspect my body with his hands, his nose, and even his tongue, until he is satisfied that I am indeed clean.

One of his favourite things about me is my general hygeine - he says I am cleaner than any woman he has ever been with. I love that compliment. And I also love that I can please him so much with my cleanliness, which is greatly enhanced by shaving or waxing my pussy bare.

Master and I also love the feel of the soft, smooth skin of my pussy, especially the labia, after waxing. This is a feeling no adult woman ever gets to experience unless she denudes her pussy at least once.

It is far easier for a man (or woman) to perform cunnelingus on a bare pussy than on a hairy one, even if it is trimmed. And I think cunnelingus actually feels better when I’m hairless (even though it makes me nervous when my Master does it, as I’ve stated before). The point is, he loves to do it, and he especially loves to do it to my smooth, hairless pussy.

As a submissive, I love the feeling of having nothing hidden from my Master — having my pussy bare makes me feel more vulnerable and exposed to him, which is a good thing. And I think it affects him as well, because he likes to have complete, unimpeded access to my pussy at all times.

So. Now that I’ve talked about some of the benefits of removing female pubic hair, I want to talk briefly about male pubic hair.

I love the look of pubic hair on a man. There is something just so — male — about it. And I think there aren’t as many cleanliness issues with a man’s genitalia, at least not that hair removal would help.

That said, I do want to say I appreciate, and recommend, the type of shaving that my Master does. He shaves the base of his cock, and his balls. That’s it — the rest is left intact. But shaving these two areas has a lot of benefits.

If you are a woman (or a man, for that matter), and have performed a lot of oral sex on men, you have probably had countless experiences of having to stop to remove a hair from your mouth or your teeth. This isn’t good for either party, as it interrupts the momentum and passion of the blow job. If the base of the cock is shaved, however, the main source of these hairs is removed, and blow jobs can be much more continuous. I almost never have to stop to pick out a hair, and I know Master and I both prefer it that way.

As far as the balls are concerned, the reason is pleasure, plain and simple. If you are a man, and you have never had your balls licked, you may not yet understand how pleasurable this can be. But based on my experience with my Master and my ex-husband, it can be incredibly pleasurable, especially if the balls are shaved and there is nothing to impede the smooth passage of the tongue over the skin.

So I’d recommend trying it at least once, if you have a lover who is willing to lick your balls after you shave them. Chances are, you’ll both be addicted in no time.

One final word: Brazilian bikini waxes really do hurt like a bitch, especially the first time. But they are so worth it. If you want to do it but are afraid because of pain, just try to keep in mind what you’ll have when it’s all done — genitals much smoother than you could ever get by shaving, and that will stay that way much longer.

Also, once the original waxing has been done, the touch-ups are a breeze in comparison. So, if you have the money, I would recommend waxing over shaving, hands down.

So, there you have my thoughts on the matter of hairless genitals. I’d give it a big thumbs up for women, and if it is done right (and not overdone), a big thumbs up for men as well.

This is an article I originally wrote for a vanilla blog I had, but since I find it especially appropos (as a slave) to wear little or no underwear, I decided I would publish it here. I hope you enjoy it, whether you agree with me or not!

From loincloths to fig leaves, Sicilian breastcloths to French chemises, corsets to pantaloons, boxers, bloomers, brassieres, undershirts, camisoles, drawers, briefs, jock straps, girdles, panties, wonderbras, G-strings, thongs, sports bras, boxer briefs and even chastity belts — for milennia, humankind have been looking for ever-better ways to gird our loins, rein in our fat, and barricade our boobies.

These days, we are taught all sorts of things about our underwear. We know that we should always wear clean ones in case we get in an accident. Both sexes are taught that going commando is taboo. Women are taught that they must wear bras, for various reasons. We are taught important, secret rules such as that women who wear thong underwear and G-strings are more promiscuous (and perhaps sexier) than those who wear bikini panties or briefs. We are taught that people who wear no underwear at all are most likely sluts and perhaps unsanitary.

And although we exercise individual choice over what kind of undergarments we wear, most of us accept the cultural ideas described above. After all, why wouldn’t we? We’re perfectly happy wearing it, and no one we know breaks the underwear rules — or so we think.

But I believe the vast majority of people don’t realize that they have never really thought about what they are wearing, when they are wearing it, and why they’re wearing it in the first place. If they did, I think they might come to some surprising conclusions. Of course, there are some situations in which it is a good idea to wear various types of undergarments. But there are other situations where it is not only unnecessary, but somewhat ridiculous, and, dare I say it — possibly even dangerous!

Let’s start with bottoms — I mean the things we gird our loins with. Right off the bat, I’ll concede that I know a lot more about women’s bottoms than men’s bottoms (underwear, that is.) So men, please feel free to fire away at me in comments if I get stuff wrong.

Obviously, the biggest need that can come up for men is support. In a number of athletic situations, it is wise to wear an athletic supporter. This goes without saying. When playing sports, running, and the like, having body parts bouncing about can be painful and distracting. And I know I’m supposed to be talking about bottoms, but this same principle applies to many women in terms of their breasts. Unsupported breasts can make running nearly impossible, if the breasts are of any notable size. I know some small-breasted women who can get away without sports bras, but I myself am only a C cup and without a sports bra, I’d be downright miserable!

Now let’s assume no one is bouncing around, and talk about women’s bottoms for a bit.

For years, I eschewed thong underwear, just because it was too damned uncomfortable. When I did wear it, the main purpose was to avoid the look of panty lines when wearing form-fitting pants or skirts. And thongs are great for that. But I never felt comfortable in them. They would not be something I’d ever wear around the house, for example. When I got home from wherever I’d been, the thongs would go straight in the laundry, and I’d put on my comforting, familiar panties.

But I really never asked myself why I put them on.

Usually when I am home, I am wearing sweats or some other kind of casual pants. I love to be comfortable and won’t wear confining clothes for any longer than I absolutely have to. And yet, for years and years I put up with the feeling of three bands of elastic on my body — one at the top of each leg, and one below my waist. The waist one wasn’t so bad, but I’m an ample-hipped girl, and the leg holes were always a problem! I regularly had to tug on them because they seemed to believe it was their life’s work to shove themselves into my butt crack. Over the years, I tried all kinds of different styles, but the issue was the same.

A couple of years ago, I had my first Brazilian bikini wax. And to heal from this (especially the first one), it’s recommended that you wear loose-fitting clothing and no underwear for several days. So I followed the instructions, and lo and behold, I discovered the mother of all panty secrets: Most of the time, you don’t need them!

Despite the pain in the waxed area, I was experiencing a blissful comfort I had not enjoyed since I was a child (I didn’t like wearing undies then either, but gradually I became assimilated). It was a major revelation, and I didn’t know why it hadn’t been obvious to me long before.

Any woman who has ever had a yeast infection knows that her external genitalia need to “breathe!” So we follow the recommendations of wearing cotton underwear, because it’s not as stifling as synthetic. However, it doesn’t occur to us that the best policy is to wear no underwear at all! If you do this, and wear rather loose fitting pants when you are home, you will give yourself many hours a day of fresh air. And if you leave the panties off in bed, you’ll give yourself even more.

It can feel a little awkward, at first, to go “out” with no panties on. For some reason, the first time I stepped out of my house in that condition, I really felt like I was committing some grievous, shameful error. But I recognized that nervousness for what it was, and began to see some of the deeper truths underlying it.

Somewhere along the line in history, western culture decided that our genitals were shameful. I think this was probably because of Judeo-Christian rules about “sexual immorality.” This line of thinking goes all the way back to the legend of Adam and Eve covering themselves with fig leaves — apparently once they ate the apple from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they decided running around naked was evil.

It’s generally agreed that the material for the book of Genesis was based on an oral history passed down by the Jewish people century after century. In my opinion (and forgive me, any Christians I offend), these creation myths are no different in purpose from those told by various other peoples throughout the world. They were an explanation of how everything and everyone got here, and people have always seemed to need that. But it’s unfortunate that this particular creation story had so much shame woven into it. Because I think the human body is one of the most beautiful things in all creation, and to designate parts of it (especially those involved in things as wonderful as sex and reproduction) as objects of a shame is an utter perversion. Over the centuries it has caused a lot of pain and suffering…most of it much more severe than that having to do with underwear. But it affects the underwear issue all the same.

Why do we feel we need to wear panties at times when there is no practical reason to do so? What was the strange feeling I had when I tried this in public for the first time? It was some kind of fear — a culturally instilled fear, I’m sure — some kind of idea that if I didn’t gird my loins they might get away from me and run amok. Or maybe it was that men would somehow telepathically detect my ungirded loins and make a beeline for them en masse. Whatever the fear was, I realized it couldn’t be other than ridiculous, and so I let it go, for good.

There are, of course, reasons to wear panties sometimes. You probably need them during your period, for one reason or another. If you expect a lot of wetness and need to protect your skirt, they might be a good idea. If your garment is so transparent your loins can be clearly seen (and this is not the effect you are going for), panties can help a lot. And if you’re wearing dry-clean-only pants that you like to wear, like, 5 times before taking them to the cleaner’s, then you might want to put a layer of cloth between them and your potentially-musky parts. But other than these situations, I just can’t think of a good reason. I can’t! So I strongly suggest at least giving it a try, ladies. It will feel weird at first, but if you hang in there, you’ll wonder how you put up with them all this time.

Men. I know you have potentially more reasons than women to wear underwear under your regular clothes, because you have to address the issue of containment. Also, there is the menace of zippers and I know no one wants to end up with the beans above the frank.

But when you’re home, wearing your lounge pants or whatever, please at least think about freeing your willy — especially if your pants are silk. I’ve heard this can be exquisite. And if your partner is the type who really loves looking at your body, he/she can see your outlines a lot more clearly when you’re only wearing one layer of clothing.

Now, about bras. Ah, what a love-hate relationship we have! Just like with the bottoms, there are myths and cultural taboos associated. There is the myth that if you don’t wear a bra, your breasts will sag more and more over the years, so you must wear one if you want to keep them perky. There seems to be some kind of taboo against hard nipples. I know I used to be self-conscious whenever I got them (especially at church), and I would deliberately buy bras thick enough to conceal any nipple erections that occurred. Also, there’s a fear of what people will think if they see you without a bra, as if by exposing the natural shape and movement of your breasts, you are guilty of flirting without a license.

In my opinion, this is not flirting! It is my body, and it is me treating it in the healthiest way I know.

This is true for two reasons:

1) Evidence within the last few years suggest that wearing a bra actually causes sagging, rather than preventing it. This is because the breasts are supported by tendons which can atrophy if they are not needed (because the bra has taken over their job). I’m not sure if this will be proven, but I know it’s true for me, at least to some degree. For many years, I wore a bra whenever I went out, but I always removed it as soon as I got home. So, I spent a large portion of every day braless, and I believe this kept my tendons in shape. My husband has said (and it’s not just his bias) that I have the best-looking breasts on a 38-year-old that he’s ever seen. And actually, having seen many of the possible variations in gym locker rooms, I’m inclined to agree that either I’m genetically blessed, or it really is true that going without a bra is the best way to avoid sagging.

2) Okay. This one is not proven, but I still think it’s worth taking notice of. Of course, I am especially paranoid about breast cancer because there’s so much of it in my family. But I think most of us still want to avoid anything that might cause breast cancer.

The current theory goes like this: the tissue inside the breasts needs circulation to stay healthy (I know, duh). But when there isn’t good circulation, toxins in the system can build up, increasing the chances that DNA in the breast tissue will be damaged and cancer will start. So it’s possible that by putting pressure (no pun) on women over the years to rein in their breasts, or to push them up into a more “pleasing” shape, we have sentenced them to a lifetime of toxic exposure in these vulnerable tissues.

I, for one, don’t want to take any chances. I choose circulation. Sometimes (yes, for vanity) I’ll put a bra on under an outfit to get the clothes to “hang” better. But I don’t ever wear a bra for more than a few hours, and I don’t do it every day.

So. My final point is this: Senseless Puritanism has reigned over our undergarments for too long. Take back control, experiment, and enjoy the freedom to be comfortable and healthy, in whatever way works best for you.

I’ll admit, I have put off writing this article, because some of the content will not be pleasant to remember, or to write about. However, I think some things need to be said, so I’m finally saying them.

It is well known in the BDSM world that safe words are a must-have for the “Safe, Sane, & Consensual” camp of “players.” But for others, especially “lifestylers” (people who live some kind of Domination/submission relationship 24/7), there is widespread disagreement on whether or not they are necessary.

Some Masters will tell you that any Master should know his sub/slave well enough to know where her limits are, and be wise enough to know just how far to push within and beyond those limits. To those people, I say, “poppycock!” Unless the Master is a mindreader with a Ph.D. in psychology, in my opinion he is not qualified to be the sole decision-maker with respect to his sub’s limits.

So, my Master and I never tried to do without safe words on those grounds. We knew he was human, and what’s more, has ADHD. Combine this with a nasty sadistic streak, and the chances that he could space out and go too far in a scene are actually pretty high.

Before we even met in person for the first time, we agreed on a safe word. At that time, we were both totally inexperienced and solely acting on the advice of others, and it seemed very reasonable.

As we spent more time together, and after we moved in together, we began discussing our mutual rape fantasies, and my Master pointed out that if I could safe out of a rape, then it wouldn’t really be a rape. And any resistance short of wanting to safe out wasn’t real resistance.

It made sense to me. When we first discussed dropping the availability of a safe word when it came to fucking, my heart rate went up with fear for a bit, but some experiences we had already had led me to believe it would be the right decision.

You see, there had already been times when he wanted to fuck and I didn’t. In these cases he did it anyway, and it turned both of us on indescribably! And although I never felt resistant enough to safe out, he was still fucking me against my will, because I genuinely didn’t want to, at least at the beginning of the encounters.

In all these experiences, once he began forcing me, I would feel my arousal skyrocket, and would soon be totally into what had started out as my “rape.” In fact, this was some of the strongest arousal I had ever experienced when having sex with another person.

So. We had established all the prerequisite ingredients for disaster: no safe word for fucking, a belief that rape will always turn me on and end up a pleasant experience for both of us, and a Master who can be a bit distractible.

One night we were alternately playing around and having sex. My Master had already fucked me hard several times and come. I honestly don’t remember whether I came that night or not.

What I do remember — in fact, what will remain forever etched in my brain — was what happened next.

As an aside, I will say that my Master is very well endowed, especially with girth, and my pussy is not very roomy, so I get sore quite easily. In fact, sometimes I get brutally sore. It is hard to describe what this experience is like to anyone who hasn’t been there. But when I am this sore, sex is experienced as nothing but blinding, excruciating pain. There is no pleasure or opportunity to convert the sensations to pleasure. They are just too painful. Not uncommonly I have bled after being taken to this point of soreness; that indicates the degree of trauma to the vagina.

On the night in question, I got sore even faster than usual. In fact, I couldn’t figure out why I was so sore (the next day it turned out I had been coming down with a yeast infection). But all I knew that night was that my pussy really hurt and needed to be closed for business. Period.

But Master, for reasons I can’t remember, got excited again and wanted to fuck me again. I frantically tried to tell him how sore I was, and that it was a really bad idea. If I could have safed out of fucking, I would have done so at that moment and I knew it. I remember feeling panic in the pit of my stomach and thinking, “how can I possibly communicate to him how bad this is without a safe word?” Well, the answer was, I couldn’t. So he kneed my legs apart, and fucked me hard for a while.

I really can’t describe how horrible the experience was. I know there are some who will read this and think I am whining, but those people were not there, inside my body and mind. I was. And I was raped. Really and truly raped, and not in any kind of a good way.

I no longer blame my Master for his actions of that night, because without a safe word, he had no way of differentiating that instance from previous instances during which he had fucked me against my will and it had turned out amazingly well. And I think it is his distractibility combined with his sadism that kept him from really looking at me and seeing how emotionally distressed I was.

At the time, it felt to me like a horrible betrayal. The person I counted on to take care of me no matter what was gratuitously hurting me and taking delight in doing so. He didn’t even come, which added insult to injury so to speak.

But in his defense, the way we had things set up, he really couldn’t have known. He just couldn’t have known.

Afterwards I was furious, and as we talked about it, he came to understand what had happened, and was contrite, even though it wasn’t really his fault. But one thing we agreed on immediately was that the “no safe word for fucking” rule was asinine and was almost completely to blame. We repealed the rule immediately and now my option to use a safe word is present at all times, during all activities, even verbal ones that don’t involve any touching.

If this sounds wimpy to you, then I suppose I can’t change your opinion. But I would be willing to bet that there are few to no long-term, successful D/s relationships that don’t have a safe word available at all times.

I’m sure a lot of currently-active relationships have arrogantly and foolhardily decided to forego safe words in some or all situations. And to you I say, “Tick, tock….tick, tock.”

It is only a matter of time before something blows up. It may not be fucking as it was in our case, but sooner or later the Dom will not be able to read the sub’s mind, the sub will become seriously hurt (physically, emotionally, or mentally), and the relationship will have to either end or change.

Fortunately, our relationship did not end. We were far too much in love with each other for that to happen. My Master is really an incredibly good man, and would never deliberately harm me in earnest. Quite to the contrary. He is extremely protective of me, often even protecting me from my own foolishness in various aspects of my life.

I believe I have recovered from the rape now. It was a very unfortunate accident that I can be assured will not happen again.

It cannot happen again, because we have a safe word.

Some time ago, a fellow tweeter asked me, “What is it about your Master that makes him worthy to be served?”

I said it was such a good question I would write a blog post to address it. Well, here it is.

So. What makes him worthy?

The short answer is: nothing.

The medium answer is: there is nothing about any human being that could make them worthy to have another human being enslaved to them.

The long answer is:

Of course my Master has many worthy characteristics — likable ones — even noble ones. And in the very beginning, I made the same mistake many subs/slaves do: I assumed that the reason I was serving him was that he was somehow more worthy than me. Smarter. Wiser. Stronger. All of those things seemed like good reasons to submit to him — to hand him the reins and permanently relinquish control over my life in favour of his wise, benevolent dictatorship.

Unfortunately, or actually, fortunately, I learned that an M/s relationship built on these kinds of ideas simply doesn’t work over the long term. It can’t.

Why?

Because Masters have faults.

Yes, it’s true, Masters are just as human as slaves. And I can guarantee that if a Master and slave live together for any length of time, the truth will emerge that in fact no one is really any smarter, wiser, stronger, kinder, more restrained, more noble, or more worthy than anyone else. Sure, there will be some variations from person to person, because we all have our strengths and weaknesses. But when the Master’s weaknesses come to the fore, that’s when submission based on worthiness begins to crumble.

I remember how devastated and disillusioned I felt when I realised that my Master, while wiser than I in some ways, was far more foolish in other ways, and that wisdom wasn’t the only trait where he didn’t have it all over me — in many cases we were equal and in some cases I was his superior.

Suddenly, I felt as if the ground had been ripped out from under me and I was standing on nothing. The person at the helm of my life was no more qualified to run it than I. In fact, I wasn’t even sure he was qualified to run his own life.

Of course, when you think about it, few of us are really qualified to run our own lives in our own best interests without fucking it up for one reason or another. But for some reason I had thought my Master better than all that — a cut above — and unfortunately, when everything came to a head, that view just didn’t cut it.

There was a period of time during which I panicked and took back all of my power and control over my own time, my activities, my body, and my life. But during that time our relationship was merely a shadow of what it had been. We were friends and lovers, and still sexually attracted to each other, but the raging fires that had been built by our Dominance and submission had died down to a glimmer.

Fortunately, that glimmer never went out, because eventually, I had a very, very important realization that fanned the flame back into an inferno.

First of all, I realized my Master and I need Dominance and submission in order to be happy, both individually and together. It’s just a part of our makeup, like the need for air. Living without Dominance and submission, for us, is like constantly not getting enough oxygen would be to others. It is life-depriving and it just does not work.

Secondly, and perhaps even more importantly, I realized that my Master’s faults and our lack of any actual superiority over each other did not preclude my serving and obeying him as my Master.

At least in this day and age, slavery is a choice. And by choosing not to be a slave, I had done nothing but make myself miserable (and my Master as well, I think). But I realized that I could just as easily choose to be a slave, supposed requirements of the Mastery be damned, and my Master could choose to be my Master, whether he felt qualified and worthy or not. Why? Because we finally understood it isn’t about qualifications or worthiness.

It’s about how two people (or more, if you’re polyamorous) choose to relate to one another. That’s all! We have chosen to relate this way to each other because it makes us feel happy and at peace, both individually and together.

I have chosen to give up power and control to him and to obey him, and he has chosen to accept responsibility for that power and control and to do his utmost to make the best decisions for me and for us, and to care for me and keep me safe from harm. I have chosen to give him the right of discipline over me if I screw up. And he has chosen to take on the responsibility of disciplining me.

On any given day, all kinds of things happen — sometimes more good than bad, sometimes more bad than good. Living together and working together, Master and I see each other at our best and at our very worst. We are ultra-aware of our own and one another’s humanness.

But now that I have made the decision to be his slave, nothing shakes my faith in the fact that he is my Master or that he deserves to be my Master.

He deserves to be my Master because I have said it is so, and unless I choose to say otherwise, he continues to deserve to be my Master, no matter what happens.

When we took our personalized wedding vows, there were a lot of Dominance/submission statements in them. We got some serious raised eyebrows from the officiant. But we were voicing something extremely important — a promise of a choice — the choice to live in the way that makes us happy.

And because of that choice and that promise, it really doesn’t matter whether anybody is worthy or not. We are what we are, and we revel in it.

Thought I’d get your attention with that one.

Specifically, I’m talking about having cunnilingus performed on me, not performing it on someone else (which I’ve never done, but would if given a good opportunity).

Master loves to lick my pussy. So did my ex-husband. They both do it well. The difference between my Master and my ex-husband, however, is that one is a Master, and one is not. One is Dominant, and the other is vanilla. And therein lies the difference for me.

I’ve said before that vanilla sex just doesn’t do much for me, and it’s true. Often, while having vanilla sex in the past, in order to orgasm, I would either have to concentrate really hard on the sensations and/or resort to BDSM fantasies to help me along. And it didn’t mean I wasn’t being stimulated correctly. My ex was a master at stimulating me — he just wasn’t a Master in the sense in which I most needed him to be.

When he (and other previous lovers) would lick my pussy, I would settle in to enjoy the ride. But whenever my Master licks my pussy — well — I really feel as if I’m about to jump right out of my skin (with nervousness, not just pleasure)!

I am extremely familiar with performing oral sex on my Master, and it’s one of my favourite activities in life. It feels so absolutely right, me subserviently pleasuring him that way, or submissively allowing him to simply use my mouth as a fuck-hole and control the movement according to his whim.

But part of the reason I enjoy the act so much is the subservience itself. Granted, I love cock, and any excuse to have my Master’s cock in my face is a welcome one. But it’s more than that — it’s service, and love.

Why is it that I’m so comfortable with serving sexually, and so uncomfortable with being served? I think it’s because I just cannot hold onto the idea of my Master as Dominant when his face is in my crotch. When he goes down on me, I have extreme difficulty remaining in submissive headspace, which makes it hard for me to be turned on. So, even though I may be experiencing exquisite physical sensations, I’ve actually gone back into the realm of the vanilla when it comes to my brain activity. And I don’t like it there.

At this point, I don’t know what the solution is, if there is one. I don’t know how to make my mind think of cunnelingus as a Dominant act.

The best I can do for now is to “submit” to this uncomfortable experience. My Master knows it takes me outside of my comfort zone in terms of BDSM, but he does it anyway, because it pleases him to do so. So maybe I just need to remember that it’s for his pleasure, not mine, and submit to it.

Even then, though, I still feel a strange kind of pressure — as if I’m obligated to come or to respond in a certain way. And my response, ironically, in this Master/slave relationship with the love of my life, is more lukewarm than it has been with past lovers.

The mind is a strange place, and mine, especially so.

I also believe the mind is the most important sex organ in the human body. Without the proper mental arousal, neither my Master or I can experience physical completion.

Whatever my issues are with having Master lick my pussy, I hope I get over them. I would hate for things to stay like this for the duration of our relationship — I want to move past whatever is blocking me so I can enjoy this aspect of our sex life fully.

Now, if I could just figure out how to move past it, all would be well.